Each year The Citadel posts a page called Matriculation Headquarters. I can tell by the number of hits on my blog that parents and future cadets alike are anxiously awaiting this information. The search terms used to find my blog tells the story. The list is filed with “packing list” “required list” “what to bring” and more.
The required list of what to bring is in the Success Packet listed under Important Documents and Links. Optional items are on the Citadel Family Association (CFA) web site under CFA Benefits.
This is the first test your future cadet will go through. To be prepared for entering this leadership school your cadet should take charge of all the information on the Matriculation Headquarters page. They really mean it when they say to break in your shoes and start your work outs now.
This is also a test for every parent. Let your future cadet take charge of preparing to report.
Each year about this time the Atlanta Citadel Club hosts a gathering to welcome the new cadets and their families. Each year I walk away from the event impressed by the alumni and their support for their school. The dinner last night was held at the Georgian Club and was attended by at least 145 people. The president of The Citadel, Lt. Gen. John Rosawas the honored guest along with quite a few members of the administration.
Lt. Gen John Rosa addresses the dinner guests.
Sitting at the dinner last night brought back memories of the first cadet send off dinner I attended in 2007. I experienced an interesting mixture of feelings. I was excited for the Class of 2016 and their parents because in hindsight I know the challenging, but rewarding feeling of accomplishment and pride the cadets and parents feel.
Five send off dinners since the first one I attended in 2007, I am now feeling a different anxiety. I am preparing myself for my oldest sons first deployment to Afghanistan this fall. In many ways this anxiety is similar to how I was feeling the summer of 2007.
My son is the one who took the road less traveled and successfully navigated the rigors of the tough 4th Class System of The Citadel. I have been a spectator and student of how to be a supportive parent of a cadet. I continue to be impressed at the loyalty cadets and graduates have for THEIR school.
In 2007 I learned about the 4th Class System from scores of parents, mostly moms, of current cadets. Today, thanks in large part to my new friends through The Citadel, I am learning about the U.S. Army and how to be a supportive parent to my son.
As a parent you spend your child’s early years protecting them from harmful situations. At some point during their teen years you begin to realize they need to spread their wings and begin to learn about life, including the difficulties, on their own. It is like a mother bird watching their chick make their first flight. Sending my son to The Citadel was like watching him soar off into the world.
I watched the new families at the dinner last night with a mixture of feelings. I remember my own anxiety at sending a child to a tough program. But I also have the benefit of hindsight. I know the funny knob year stories that will be told. I know the feelings of accomplishment these almost cadets will feel when they reach the end of Recognition Day the end of their knob year. And I know what sheer joy looks like on a cadet their senior year when they have earned The Ring.
My son was on an Army contract. For the past several years I have gone between feeling proud of his service to being anxious about what that service entails. As a non-military person trying to learn about a complex organization with a zillion new terms to learn, the whole situation can be overwhelming.
While a military system like The Citadel can be intimidating for a non-military person, I’ve learned that like at the fictional Hogwarts of Harry Potter fame, “help will always be given to those who ask for it.” The volunteers of The Citadel Family Association and the staff of the school are a terrific resource and helped me learn about what my son was going through. Just remember, The Citadel is a “no fly zone” for helicopter parents.
I am now learning about the U.S. Army the Family Readiness Groups and organizations like Blue Star Mothers and Blue Star Families. Support groups for parents and spouses are plentiful on social media sites, but you do need to reach out and ask for support. Knowing I am not alone on this journey doesn’t take away the anxiety completely, but knowing I stand in a long line of families that have sent their sons and daughters to war gives me strength.
Best wishes to The Citadel, Class of 2016 and their parents. As the graduates say, “You spend 4 years waiting to get out and spend the rest of your life trying to go back.”
Members of the Class of 2016 pose for a photo at the end of the dinner.
I recently joined the Facebook group Army Moms. It has been helpful to read the posts of the members and learn what life is like when your child is deployed. The posts about returning soldiers are usually very upbeat, but one recent post hinted at the struggles the returning soldier is having with the things he saw and experienced while deployed.
For the past 10+ I’ve studied traumatic stress, but as my own son approaches his deployment to Afghanistan, I read these posts with a different eye than I did when I began to study trauma.
Some days I fight the lump in my throat and the tears that are sure to follow. On an intellectual level I understand that feeling abnormal after a traumatic event is normal. I know there are many wonderful therapists and doctors in the field to help our returning soldiers. I also know the terribly high suicides rates of our veterans. I know these brave warriors hesitate to ask for help when they return and struggle with thoughts that haunt them, and nightmares that live within them.
And I know that I am a mom of a soldier that needs to use all the strength I can muster to support my son.
Dr. Frank Ochberg, a psychiatrist and one of the founding fathers of modern psychotraumatology, is one of my mentors in the field of traumatic stress studies. I wrote to him after reading the heart wrenching post from the Army mom asking for help with how to support her veteran son.
Dr. Frank Ochberg addresses a session at the annual meeting of the Society of Professional Journalists.
I had already posted links to the National Center for PTSD and the nonprofit Gift From Within and wanted to know if he had any other helpful resources to recommend.
As always Frank wrote back with a very thoughtful response. His letter is one that all military families need to read BEFORE their soldier returns home. Military families need to do research before their soldier returns. The family should know the local resources available and the online resources so that when their soldier returns home the process of adjusting is understood.
Dear Mom of a young Service Member,
We’re all in this together and it is good to realize that we have a large family of parents, friends, advocates, therapists, clergy, and others who care. When your son says to you, “You don’t want to know,” I assume he is looking out for you. He wants to spare you the images and the sounds and the smell of the place. I’d thank him for that. It is considerate of him. And it doesn’t mean he thinks you are fragile. Many of my patients, including those who know that I have heard hundreds and hundreds of trauma stories, try to spare my feelings. They don’t want me to hurt for them, and they don’t want to spread the horror that they have witnessed. When it feels appropriate, I might explain that I have learned how to listen without becoming damaged. But it’s a fine line. I can’t say I’m unaffected. I don’t want to suggest that these experiences are less profound and terrible than they really are. So step one, I’d suggest, is to express gratitude for his kindness and caring.
It is good for your son to have a person who can hear him out, a buddy or an older person who understands. Odds are he already has such a person in his life. You’ll feel reassured if you know that this relationship exists, and is being used appropriately. He may be willing to let you know. I’m very interested in the natural friendship network of my patients, and I do try to nurture good, supportive connections. Not too long ago, I had two Marines come for sessions together. One was married, the other wasn’t. There was a strong bond between the two. They let it all out in front of each other and in front of me. They kept most of this away from their closest family members –certainly their Moms. One had a military Dad and there was some sharing with him, but not all the detail.
We have good evidence to suggest that Service Members who have “seen some really bad stuff,” as your son reports, do best when they use normal networks to sort out their feelings. There is no need to think about mental heath professionals until and unless serious signs emerge.
These serious signs include nightmares and flashbacks persisting at least a month. They include serious drinking and drugging. They include shutting down and walling off from others so that family life and school or work are imperiled. They include shifts in character to an alarming extent, including dangerous outbursts of anger. Usually, this state of affairs can be avoided through peer support and healthy activity. But exposure to deadly conflict can produce PTSD, depression and substance abuse. So learning about those conditions is useful, for you, Mom.
Here is a page I have helped create. There are many, many more. Just go to Google, put PTSD Info in the subject line and have look. Sharing insights and concerns with others in the military support network is useful, too.
If your son does change his mind and chooses to tell you about his “bad stuff,” listen actively. Don’t interrupt and don’t rush to reassure and comfort too quickly. Here’s a good link on “active listening.” It isn’t easy to picture your son in harm’s way, or to realize that he may have been involved in lethal activity that causes him feelings of guilt and grief. I try not to say, “You have no reason to feel guilty,” or words to that effect. I might say, “Feeling guilty is the burden of having a good character, a conscience.”
After some painful memories are shared, it helps to move to other topics. But never too abruptly, giving the impression that you have heard enough and want to close him down. It’s best for him to set the pace and the duration. It’s best not to interrupt. In a therapy session, I have to establish a time limit. So I do change the subject well before the end of the hour. I ask about exercise or friends or family. I lighten the subject, but keep it relevant. You could do that, too, if the time together must end soon.
Everyone is different, so there are few hard and fast recommendations. You do want your son to feel comfortable being with you, knowing you love him, and trusting that you will honor his private experience of profound reality. You’ll know you are on target when he tells you, little by little, what he wants you to know. You’ll know you are on the right track when the two of you have fun together. You’ll know all is well as you see him move through those stages of transformation into adult life, with an occupation, a family, and friends who care.
Frank M Ochberg, MD
Frank
Most people do the equivalent of closing their eyes and hoping they never have to deal with the scarier parts of post deployment life. As hard as it may be to read some of the materials, being knowledgeable of the signs to look for, and how to best support your returning soldier , you can make the transition to civilian life easier for the soldier.
About Face – “Learn about post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD from Veterans who live with it every day. Hear their stories. FInd out how treatment turned their lives around.”
The cadre line the knobs up outside the chapel Sunday of Matriculation Weekend, 2010. NOTE: the black “knobbie bag” for books.
I recently had the opportunity to speak with Andy Beckwith, the manager of the Citadel Gift Shop, and asked him what he would like cadets and their parents to know about buying books. So much has changed now that you can rent books and get some texts in eBook format. His advice follows:
There is a good bit of info out there regarding our textbook rental program on the auxiliary services web pages.
Most of it is taken directly from the B&N pages, but there is an overview that’s a bit more specific to cadets here.
The biggest confusion seemed to be that even though the rental charges would be placed against the restricted CWID account, using their cadet ID card, a credit or debit card would still need to be available to swipe at the time of purchase. Both cards must be swiped to complete a cadet rental. As long as the books are returned on time, there is never any charge to that debit or credit card account related to the rental.
The rental program was first instituted here in Fall of 2011. It was quite successful and (surprisingly for a brand new program ) rather trouble-free. They will be asked by the cashier at the time of purchase if they wish to rent the rentable titles and we will take it from there. If they don’t have a credit or debit card, they can come back with one and convert to rental within the first two weeks of class.
The school administration and the Commandant’s department were adamant that incoming freshmen be offered the same book options upperclassmen would receive even in the context of the rigorous orientation week. To this end we worked with the academic cadre to pass on this information to incoming freshman and assist them in the process; we will be doing so this time as well. We will also be posting relevant information on our Facebook page as the back to school process unfolds. \
Another excellent information resource is to opt in to our email list which can also be done through our Facebook page by signing up for this sweepstakes. This also provides access to store discounts and promotions. They can opt out any time and the list won’t be sold to third parties. Beyond that there are two very important facts about textbooks I try to make every cadet know:
Mark your books with some kind of identification. Sadly, people do steal textbooks – especially around book buyback time. If you write your name in your book, it won’t affect the buyback value or rental return, but it might discourage theft and make it easier to recover your book if it’s stolen.
Save your receipt. Save your receipt!! Save your receipt!!!! It’s a major purchase.Many cadets throw the receipt away immediately and then drop a class or want to return a book. We will do whatever we can to help, but the process is much easier on everyone (including the always time-pressed cadet) if you have the textbook receipt. The rental agreement also has important information and should be kept.
Heraclitus is credited with the phrase, “The only constant is Change.” As much as we would like our lives to stay predictable, change is how we grow.
After years of working for para church organizations and nonprofits I was convinced that the phrase, “This is how we’ve always done it.” was an official doctrine. After listening to a number of Citadel alumni, old and new, I have learned change happens at The Citadel but very slowly and with MUCH debate.
In the 5 academic years since my sons Matriculation Day, I can say the changes from my perspective have been minimal. If you talk with the recent graduates though, they are already saying the new cadets don’t really have a knob year. I know the Class of 2015 who just finished Recognition Day would argue their knob year and Recognition Day was just as meaningful for them as it was for every class that went before them.
Wednesday of this week I received an unexpected email from a 1993 graduate of The Citadel. He had read my blog. Most of the email was about how the school had changed tremendously since he was a cadet in the early ’90’s. “It has changed much more from 1993 to 2012 than it changed in the 19 years from 1974 to 1993.” Of course I’ve heard plenty about the Old Corps over the years.
He added a sentence or two to me about my blog, “I understand you think you are helping with all of the hints and enhanced packing lists and such. But really, you’re taking away from the experience, Mrs. Griggs.”
He went on to say that when he was a Summerall Guard. “The only thing my parents knew was what I told them. No pictures, (other than old yearbooks) no timeline so they knew what was going on.”
I’ve thought about his email quite a bit the past few days. One of the first things that struck me was that in the time period he mentions we have ALL experienced tremendous change in our day-to-day existence. In the early ’90’s the majority of the country did not own cell phones. Computers and the ability to actually see the person you were talking to on a computer, still seemed like something only the futuristic cartoon family the Jetson’s could do.
The time period of 1990 to the present day is called the Information Age for a reason. The World Wide Web was invented in 1989 and was implemented globally in 1991. No wonder the 1993 graduate noticed such a huge change in his beloved alma mater.
To keep up with other academic institutions The Citadel had to change their policies. In 2007 when the Class of 2011 matriculated they could not carry cell phones first semester. Second semester only those knobs who had a good GPA were given the privilege of carrying them. By 2008, as a result of the April 2007 Virginia Tech tragedy, colleges and universities around the country changed their protocol for emergency notifications. Those changes included the requirement that all students must carry cell phones and be connected to an emergency alert system.
To remain competitive and relative in the educational market place The Citadel had to make necessary changes to the way education happened on the campus. Every cadet is expected to have their own computer, and a printer if they’d like. Books can be rented now through the bookstore. WiFi is available on the campus.
Do a quick search through Google images, The Citadel Family Association photo page or even The Citadel photo library, and you will find photos of just about any type of campus event. Tools like Wikipedia and YouTube are resources for even more information on the school and various organizations and events, including the Summerall Guards. The cadre now use Facebook and Google searches to learn about the incoming classes. The new students are tech savvy enough to hide most of their online profile before their knob year. Citadel parents are resourceful as well. I can tell by the hits on my blog what time of year is coming up on campus. Right now it looks like a lot of Citadel moms with rising seniors are trying to decide what dress to wear for the Ring Ceremony during Parents Weekend.
If a student arrives at The Citadel for Matriculation Day with their family not knowing it is a military school, as is rumored to happen every matriculation day, they just haven’t done their homework.
Just about everything that happens at The Citadel is documented on the school’s website. My son’s knob year the Facebook groups for parents didn’t exist yet. The Citadel Family Association volunteers provided support if you asked. Between emailing parents with basic questions on attire for various events to meals and hotels, I was able to get help from another parent. If I wanted to learn about a term my son used in an email, I could use the search window on the schools web site to get the answer. The school posts ALL the training PowerPoints to the web site. I discovered that one day while reading through the links on the Office of the Commandant page.
The information age has changed The Citadel, as it has changed every school. It has not changed the importance of annual events and rituals like those that take place during award parades, Parents Weekend, Corps Day Weekend and others.
Parents and incoming knobs can learn quite a bit about The Citadel by reading web sites and watching YouTube videos, but until the new knob has lived through the rigors of the 4th Class System, they do not become a full member of the Corps of Cadets.
I will never fully understand or know what it is like to be a cadet. My son told me very little. I do, however,have great respect for the graduates of The Citadel, not just because they wear the ring, but because I have experienced the graduates to be people of integrity.
Some events on campus have changed very little over the years. If I didn’t tell you the year, you couldn’t tell by this photo. Ring Ceremony, 2010This photo taken at graduation shows the time-honored tradition of tossing your cover in the air once the president dismisses the class. This photo could be taken in any year, but it is from May 2011.
As the mom of a new second lieutenant I’ve joined a few groups to help me learn about Army life and how I can support my son when he deploys. I’ve also learned there is one organization no military mother wants to join, the Gold Star Mothers. To be a member of this group your son or daughter has died while serving as an active duty military member.
The procession to the funeral home, Wednesday, May 2, was led by law enforcement officers. Military moms and members of the press stand by on the side-walk to show their respect.
This past week I went to our local funeral home to show my support for a new Gold Star family. First Lieutenant Jonathan Walsh died in Afghanistan when his vehicle hit an Improvised Explosive Device (IED). 1LT Walsh is from our home town. I did not know him, or his family before he died, but that does not matter. I stood along Mansell Road outside the funeral where his funeral service would be held and waited for the procession of law enforcement officers and Patriot Guard Riders (PGR) who escorted his body from Dobbins AFB. I was not alone. Several Blue Star mothers, mothers of active duty military sons and daughters also found their way to Roswell Funeral Home. We came to show our respect for Lt Walsh and our support for his family. Members of the media were there as well. I was impressed with the respect they showed to the people gathered there to honor the soldier. Their stories that aired later that day honored the soldier and his service.
After the service on Wednesday, members of the Patriot Guard Riders told me the ride to the funeral home took longer than usual since the procession went through the communities Lt Walsh had been part of, including Kennesaw State University. The evening news showed shots of scores of people lining the streets along the route the procession traveled. One fellow Citadel mom told me she was eating lunch at a BBQ place and everyone left the restaurant to pay their respects as the procession went by.
The Patriot Guard Riders followed the law enforcement officers in the procession escorting the hearse carrying the remains of fallen 1LT Walsh.
I joined the Patriot Guard Riders of Georgia last year after attending the funeral of a young soldier. You don’t have to ride a motorcycle to be a member. The members of the PGR impressed me with the respect they showed at the funeral and at the grave side service. Several members invited me to join then at lunch that day when we entered the same restaurant together.
This past Thursday I stood holding the flag of the U.S. Army as a member of the PGR at the funeral for 1LT Walsh. I began to learn about the various duties and traditions of the Patriot Guard Riders. Georgia Ride Captain, Nancy “Red K” Hitching presented me with my first Mission Accomplished pin. She had quite a few 100 and 200 Mission pins on her leather vest. Tom “Knobby” Walsh stood next to me on the flag line and told me how to hold the flag. All the members welcomed me into the group that day. The respect and honor given to the fallen soldier and his family was truly touching.
We stood by the door of the funeral home holding our flags in our left hand. As visitors arrived we stood at attention. A two star general and his staff who were there to honor the fallen soldier, took the time to walk down the flag line and shake the hand of each person there and say, “Thank you for your service.”
I am still learning about being an Army mom. The first lesson is to support your fellow military families. The second rule is to always carry tissues.
My prayers are with the family of 1LT Jonathan Walsh.
The Patriot Guard Riders stand by the hearse carrying the casket of 1LT Walsh. If protesters show up at funerals the PGR will raise the flags and rev their engines so the family of the fallen will not see or hear the protestors.The PGR flag line opens up to allow the Honor Guard to march through.Patriot Guard Rider, Georgia Ride Captain, Nancy “Red K” Hitching.Dorie receives her Mission Accomplished pin from PGR Georgia Ride Captain, Nancy “Red K” Hitching.
Most days I can get by without thinking about my oldest son being deployed to Afghanistan. Today was not one of those days.
Joyce Pettit explains what the knots signify on the patriotic quilt she designed.
This afternoon I had the honor of driving to Griffin, Georgia, with a friend to deliver a prayer quilt to a young Army widow who is about to be a first time mom. Kristen Davis lost her husband, Johnathon, when he was killed in an insurgent attack in Kandahar province.
Joyce Pettit designed and created the beautiful patriotic prayer quilt for the young widow. Joyce is a member of the “Prayers and Squares” ministry at our church. Members of our church prayed for Kristen and her baby while they tied a knot in a ribbon on the quilt. Joyce asked me to come with her today since I am the chair of the Military Ministry at Roswell Presbyterian Church.
A Facebook page called Operation Daddy’s Boy was created so anyone in the community who wanted to support Kristen and their new-born baby could show their support. The shower today was posted to the Facebook page as an open shower that anyone could drop by. The gift table was full of presents and the refreshments were arranged nicely on the table. It was a beautiful tribute and show of support by the community.
Joyce and Kristen show off the beautiful quilt Joyce designed.
We were there just long enough for Joyce to present the quilt to the expectant mom and to get a few photos. Joyce also prepared a folder with the background of the Prayers and Squares ministry so Kristen could read it after the shower was over. Guests kept arriving while we were there. The mood is hard to describe. Everyone was there to support Kristen and her new baby, but I felt an undercurrent of sadness. It was that awkward feeling when people aren’t sure what to say. Everyone was there to celebrate a new life, but at the same time a sadness hung in the air. You could feel the sadness of knowing this little baby boy will not grow up with his Daddy near by.
Most days I can get by without thinking of the danger my own son will face when he is deployed this fall. Today was not one of those days.
My prayers continue to be with all the deployed members of our military and their loved ones at home.
Most days I can get by without thinking about my oldest son being deployed to Afghanistan. Today was not one of those days.
Joyce Pettit explains what the knots signify on the patriotic quilt she designed.
This afternoon I had the honor of driving to Griffin, Georgia, with a friend to deliver a prayer quilt to a young Army widow who is about to be a first time mom. Kristen Davis lost her husband, Johnathon, when he was killed in an insurgent attack in Kandahar province.
Joyce Pettit designed and created the beautiful patriotic prayer quilt for the young widow. Joyce is a member of the “Prayers and Squares” ministry at our church. Members of our church prayed for Kristen and her baby while they tied a knot in a ribbon on the quilt. Joyce asked me to come with her today since I am the chair of the Military Ministry at Roswell Presbyterian Church.
A Facebook page called Operation Daddy’s Boy was created so anyone in the community who wanted to support Kristen and their new-born baby could show their support. The shower today was posted to the Facebook page as an open shower that anyone could drop by. The gift table was full of presents and the refreshments were arranged nicely on the table. It was a beautiful tribute and show of support by the community.
Joyce and Kristen show off the beautiful quilt Joyce designed.
We were there just long enough for Joyce to present the quilt to the expectant mom and to get a few photos. Joyce also prepared a folder with the background of the Prayers and Squares ministry so Kristen could read it after the shower was over. Guests kept arriving while we were there. The mood is hard to describe. Everyone was there to support Kristen and her new baby, but I felt an undercurrent of sadness. It was that awkward feeling when people aren’t sure what to say. Everyone was there to celebrate a new life, but at the same time a sadness hung in the air. You could feel the sadness of knowing this little baby boy will not grow up with his Daddy near by.
Most days I can get by without thinking of the danger my own son will face when he is deployed this fall. Today was not one of those days.
My prayers continue to be with all the deployed members of our military and their loved ones at home.
Last night I attended the annual sports gathering, or Coaches Night, of the Atlanta Citadel Club. Head football coach Kevin Higgins and head basketball coach Chuck Driesell were both scheduled to speak. I was encouraged to attend because a few freshman recruits from Georgia and their parents were scheduled to attend as well.
Incoming freshman quarterback, Trey White, and Citadel alum, Joel Thompson, visit after dinner.
It was a fun evening. I had the opportunity to speak with the coaches and other staff who attended. I also met the parents of the freshman recruits. The real fun came at dinner when I had the opportunity to meet two alumni I had not met before. The conversation flowed and it was amazing the level of common threads we shared as we discussed our professional lives. It was a small glimpse into the network my son, who “wears the Ring” is a part of now.
Graduation is next week. It is important for current cadets to realize that while they are a part of the Long Grey Line of graduates they must also put some time into cultivating contacts. Attending local alumni functions is a great way to start.
Head Football Coach Kevin Higgins visits with incoming freshman, Harrison Davis.
Various offices and groups on the campus of The Citadel have their own Facebook pages and/or groups. These pages and groups can provide a link for parents to keep up with what is happening on campus. The following list includes official school groups and pages, but also groups and pages started by cadets, parents and alumni.
If you know of others that should be added, please let me know.
