Dorie performs her comedy routine at The Punchline Comedy Club as part of the graduation show of The Jeff Justice Comedy Workshop. photo by Stanley Leary
The official video from my comedy writing class graduation arrived today. The Jeff Justice Comedy Workshop is a great way to learn to put humor into your every day experiences. Many of the graduates have gone on to become stand up comedians too.
I lecture on traumatic stress so I thought this would be a good way to learn how to lighten up a very important, but heavy topic. We are also preparing for my oldest sons first deployment to Afghanistan. Taking this class was a great way to combat the stress his departure.
My oldest son graduated from The Citadel in May of 2011. He entered Armor Basic Officer Leader Course (BOLC) training shortly after graduation. The past year has felt a little like limbo. He is mostly in training and is enjoying his time as a young single officer. He has a nice condo near his base, plenty of friends to get together with on whatever free time he has. All that will change in a few months if his orders to deploy in the fall are carried out. I’ve been told by friends in the military that deployment orders can change at the last-minute so I shouldn’t focus on the deployment date, but I should remain prepared.
Nelson received the Ironman Award from Georgia Governor Nathan Deal at the Armor BOLC graduation.
While my son has been in training to lead a platoon, I’ve been studying about being an Army parent. Websites like goarmyparents.com and the Facebook group, Army Moms, have been very helpful with my preparation. I recently ordered two books. The first is by a fellow contributor to the Off the Base blog, and founder of the nonprofit, Military Families Ministry, Tracie Ciambotti. Battles of the Heart. Tracie’s book is an honest look at what being the mother of a soldier is like.
The second book I recently ordered is A Handbook for Family & Friends of Service Members: Before, During and After Deployment published by THe Defense Centers of Excellence and Vulcan Productions. The book addresses the various stages of preparation family and friends of a member of the service may go through when a loved one is in the service. The book has a number of resources for families listed including the Real Warriors website. I found their information for families section very helpful.
Our new ACU bags from Hero On My Arm.
Reading and research are very good tools to help with any change. For me I also need to develop my own rituals to help with the transition. This year for Mother’s Day I asked for a bag made from an ACU (Army Combat Uniform). I researched the various web sites and decided Hero On My Arm offered the largest number of choices, and had an easy to navigate website. My bag is a custom-made Elizabeth bag. I ordered a Premade Bag for our daughter. The pre-made bags are up to 50% off what a customized bag costs.
The owner and CEO of Hero On My Arm, Seneca Hart, was very helpful when I spoke to her by phone about how I’d like the bag to be customized. She suggested a section be added for my iPad. We are very pleased with the customer service and the workmanship. The bags arrived about 8 weeks after I placed the order.
I added two name tags and a yellow ribbon patch for each bag at an additional charge. You can select the color and type style of patch you would like. Since I ordered at Mother’s Day they offered a free key chain with the order.
My customized keychain.The “Elizabeth” messenger bag was customized with a section for my iPad.
Our preparation process began when our son was in high school and decided the military was the career for him. It is a process the entire family moves through. Reading books and web sites are helpful, but I find the best resources are finding friends who have been through it and are willing to share their tips. While he hasn’t deployed yet I know it will be an emotional roller coaster. One military wife put her advice to others into a blog post. One I think anyone in touch with the family of a deployed soldier should read, Things I Wish I Had The Courage To Say During Deployment.
We are all a bit nervous, but push on with our day-to-day lives. Creating small rituals to help us get ready. I didn’t pay much attention to how my daughter, 12 years old at the time, was processing the fact that her big brother was graduating and being commissioned. Then one day for a language arts class she had an assignment to pick an inspirational person then find a song that reminds you of that person. She wrote about her brother. When she couldn’t find a song to match how she felt about him she composed and wrote a song for NaNa, a name she gave him when she was a toddler. I get a bit teary when I hear it, Brother’s Love.
In less than a month The Citadel Class of 2016 will report for Matriculation Day. If I didn’t own a calendar I could tell the day was approaching by the search terms used to find this blog. Various takes on knob year populate the search terms. The questions asked by parents of the Class of 2016 are becoming more focused as the big day approaches.
Matriculation Day, 2010. The Bravo Company cadre lead the knobs to lunch.
A few parents of graduates started a Facebook group to support new families. Only parents of graduates are on the group page along with parents of the entering class. The group is a great resource for new parents. Some of the new parents are graduates of The Citadel, some of the parents of graduates are alums too.
One of my big frustrations was finding out basic information about the school because my son rarely told me much and my ex-husband was the one who received official information from the school. This blog is the result of years of research and study of both The Citadel and the 4th Class System. My hope is that new families will feel just a little better prepare than I was to send my son off to this leadership school.
I’ve written about this before, but one of the biggest surprises for me in the whole experiences was that I ended up with many very good friends. These friends are now helping me as I learn about being the mom of an officer in the U.S. Army.
Recently, through a connection made through an alum of The Citadel, I began a correspondence with a 1LT in the Army who is now serving in Afghanistan. When I asked him if I could send anything he replied, “We need sunscreen, hard to come by. I have about 15 soldiers who pull 12 hr. shifts in the sun. If it could be sent to me I’ll distribute out.”
Walgreen’s in Roswell gave me a 25% discount on sunscreen. We also purchased some from Dollar Tree and Big Lots.
I promptly posted a note to my Facebook page asking if anyone would like to help out by either purchasing sunscreen or sending funds to defray the postage. Within a few minutes one Facebook friend who is a military reporter sent $25. A high school friend sent a generous check as did several Citadel parents and a few church friends. Right now I have $105 in checks. A few Citadel parents are sending boxes directly to the 1LT. A few of these parents have children who haven’t even started their first year as a cadet.
The first boxes of sunscreen are in the mail. A few more will go out this week.
To the parents of the Class of 2016 WELCOME. You are about to join a tremendously supportive group of people.
I recently joined the Facebook group Army Moms. It has been helpful to read the posts of the members and learn what life is like when your child is deployed. The posts about returning soldiers are usually very upbeat, but one recent post hinted at the struggles the returning soldier is having with the things he saw and experienced while deployed.
For the past 10+ I’ve studied traumatic stress, but as my own son approaches his deployment to Afghanistan, I read these posts with a different eye than I did when I began to study trauma.
Some days I fight the lump in my throat and the tears that are sure to follow. On an intellectual level I understand that feeling abnormal after a traumatic event is normal. I know there are many wonderful therapists and doctors in the field to help our returning soldiers. I also know the terribly high suicides rates of our veterans. I know these brave warriors hesitate to ask for help when they return and struggle with thoughts that haunt them, and nightmares that live within them.
And I know that I am a mom of a soldier that needs to use all the strength I can muster to support my son.
Dr. Frank Ochberg, a psychiatrist and one of the founding fathers of modern psychotraumatology, is one of my mentors in the field of traumatic stress studies. I wrote to him after reading the heart wrenching post from the Army mom asking for help with how to support her veteran son.
Dr. Frank Ochberg addresses a session at the annual meeting of the Society of Professional Journalists.
I had already posted links to the National Center for PTSD and the nonprofit Gift From Within and wanted to know if he had any other helpful resources to recommend.
As always Frank wrote back with a very thoughtful response. His letter is one that all military families need to read BEFORE their soldier returns home. Military families need to do research before their soldier returns. The family should know the local resources available and the online resources so that when their soldier returns home the process of adjusting is understood.
Dear Mom of a young Service Member,
We’re all in this together and it is good to realize that we have a large family of parents, friends, advocates, therapists, clergy, and others who care. When your son says to you, “You don’t want to know,” I assume he is looking out for you. He wants to spare you the images and the sounds and the smell of the place. I’d thank him for that. It is considerate of him. And it doesn’t mean he thinks you are fragile. Many of my patients, including those who know that I have heard hundreds and hundreds of trauma stories, try to spare my feelings. They don’t want me to hurt for them, and they don’t want to spread the horror that they have witnessed. When it feels appropriate, I might explain that I have learned how to listen without becoming damaged. But it’s a fine line. I can’t say I’m unaffected. I don’t want to suggest that these experiences are less profound and terrible than they really are. So step one, I’d suggest, is to express gratitude for his kindness and caring.
It is good for your son to have a person who can hear him out, a buddy or an older person who understands. Odds are he already has such a person in his life. You’ll feel reassured if you know that this relationship exists, and is being used appropriately. He may be willing to let you know. I’m very interested in the natural friendship network of my patients, and I do try to nurture good, supportive connections. Not too long ago, I had two Marines come for sessions together. One was married, the other wasn’t. There was a strong bond between the two. They let it all out in front of each other and in front of me. They kept most of this away from their closest family members –certainly their Moms. One had a military Dad and there was some sharing with him, but not all the detail.
We have good evidence to suggest that Service Members who have “seen some really bad stuff,” as your son reports, do best when they use normal networks to sort out their feelings. There is no need to think about mental heath professionals until and unless serious signs emerge.
These serious signs include nightmares and flashbacks persisting at least a month. They include serious drinking and drugging. They include shutting down and walling off from others so that family life and school or work are imperiled. They include shifts in character to an alarming extent, including dangerous outbursts of anger. Usually, this state of affairs can be avoided through peer support and healthy activity. But exposure to deadly conflict can produce PTSD, depression and substance abuse. So learning about those conditions is useful, for you, Mom.
Here is a page I have helped create. There are many, many more. Just go to Google, put PTSD Info in the subject line and have look. Sharing insights and concerns with others in the military support network is useful, too.
If your son does change his mind and chooses to tell you about his “bad stuff,” listen actively. Don’t interrupt and don’t rush to reassure and comfort too quickly. Here’s a good link on “active listening.” It isn’t easy to picture your son in harm’s way, or to realize that he may have been involved in lethal activity that causes him feelings of guilt and grief. I try not to say, “You have no reason to feel guilty,” or words to that effect. I might say, “Feeling guilty is the burden of having a good character, a conscience.”
After some painful memories are shared, it helps to move to other topics. But never too abruptly, giving the impression that you have heard enough and want to close him down. It’s best for him to set the pace and the duration. It’s best not to interrupt. In a therapy session, I have to establish a time limit. So I do change the subject well before the end of the hour. I ask about exercise or friends or family. I lighten the subject, but keep it relevant. You could do that, too, if the time together must end soon.
Everyone is different, so there are few hard and fast recommendations. You do want your son to feel comfortable being with you, knowing you love him, and trusting that you will honor his private experience of profound reality. You’ll know you are on target when he tells you, little by little, what he wants you to know. You’ll know you are on the right track when the two of you have fun together. You’ll know all is well as you see him move through those stages of transformation into adult life, with an occupation, a family, and friends who care.
Frank M Ochberg, MD
Frank
Most people do the equivalent of closing their eyes and hoping they never have to deal with the scarier parts of post deployment life. As hard as it may be to read some of the materials, being knowledgeable of the signs to look for, and how to best support your returning soldier , you can make the transition to civilian life easier for the soldier.
About Face – “Learn about post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD from Veterans who live with it every day. Hear their stories. FInd out how treatment turned their lives around.”
As the mom of a new second lieutenant I’ve joined a few groups to help me learn about Army life and how I can support my son when he deploys. I’ve also learned there is one organization no military mother wants to join, the Gold Star Mothers. To be a member of this group your son or daughter has died while serving as an active duty military member.
The procession to the funeral home, Wednesday, May 2, was led by law enforcement officers. Military moms and members of the press stand by on the side-walk to show their respect.
This past week I went to our local funeral home to show my support for a new Gold Star family. First Lieutenant Jonathan Walsh died in Afghanistan when his vehicle hit an Improvised Explosive Device (IED). 1LT Walsh is from our home town. I did not know him, or his family before he died, but that does not matter. I stood along Mansell Road outside the funeral where his funeral service would be held and waited for the procession of law enforcement officers and Patriot Guard Riders (PGR) who escorted his body from Dobbins AFB. I was not alone. Several Blue Star mothers, mothers of active duty military sons and daughters also found their way to Roswell Funeral Home. We came to show our respect for Lt Walsh and our support for his family. Members of the media were there as well. I was impressed with the respect they showed to the people gathered there to honor the soldier. Their stories that aired later that day honored the soldier and his service.
After the service on Wednesday, members of the Patriot Guard Riders told me the ride to the funeral home took longer than usual since the procession went through the communities Lt Walsh had been part of, including Kennesaw State University. The evening news showed shots of scores of people lining the streets along the route the procession traveled. One fellow Citadel mom told me she was eating lunch at a BBQ place and everyone left the restaurant to pay their respects as the procession went by.
The Patriot Guard Riders followed the law enforcement officers in the procession escorting the hearse carrying the remains of fallen 1LT Walsh.
I joined the Patriot Guard Riders of Georgia last year after attending the funeral of a young soldier. You don’t have to ride a motorcycle to be a member. The members of the PGR impressed me with the respect they showed at the funeral and at the grave side service. Several members invited me to join then at lunch that day when we entered the same restaurant together.
This past Thursday I stood holding the flag of the U.S. Army as a member of the PGR at the funeral for 1LT Walsh. I began to learn about the various duties and traditions of the Patriot Guard Riders. Georgia Ride Captain, Nancy “Red K” Hitching presented me with my first Mission Accomplished pin. She had quite a few 100 and 200 Mission pins on her leather vest. Tom “Knobby” Walsh stood next to me on the flag line and told me how to hold the flag. All the members welcomed me into the group that day. The respect and honor given to the fallen soldier and his family was truly touching.
We stood by the door of the funeral home holding our flags in our left hand. As visitors arrived we stood at attention. A two star general and his staff who were there to honor the fallen soldier, took the time to walk down the flag line and shake the hand of each person there and say, “Thank you for your service.”
I am still learning about being an Army mom. The first lesson is to support your fellow military families. The second rule is to always carry tissues.
My prayers are with the family of 1LT Jonathan Walsh.
The Patriot Guard Riders stand by the hearse carrying the casket of 1LT Walsh. If protesters show up at funerals the PGR will raise the flags and rev their engines so the family of the fallen will not see or hear the protestors.The PGR flag line opens up to allow the Honor Guard to march through.Patriot Guard Rider, Georgia Ride Captain, Nancy “Red K” Hitching.Dorie receives her Mission Accomplished pin from PGR Georgia Ride Captain, Nancy “Red K” Hitching.
Most days I can get by without thinking about my oldest son being deployed to Afghanistan. Today was not one of those days.
Joyce Pettit explains what the knots signify on the patriotic quilt she designed.
This afternoon I had the honor of driving to Griffin, Georgia, with a friend to deliver a prayer quilt to a young Army widow who is about to be a first time mom. Kristen Davis lost her husband, Johnathon, when he was killed in an insurgent attack in Kandahar province.
Joyce Pettit designed and created the beautiful patriotic prayer quilt for the young widow. Joyce is a member of the “Prayers and Squares” ministry at our church. Members of our church prayed for Kristen and her baby while they tied a knot in a ribbon on the quilt. Joyce asked me to come with her today since I am the chair of the Military Ministry at Roswell Presbyterian Church.
A Facebook page called Operation Daddy’s Boy was created so anyone in the community who wanted to support Kristen and their new-born baby could show their support. The shower today was posted to the Facebook page as an open shower that anyone could drop by. The gift table was full of presents and the refreshments were arranged nicely on the table. It was a beautiful tribute and show of support by the community.
Joyce and Kristen show off the beautiful quilt Joyce designed.
We were there just long enough for Joyce to present the quilt to the expectant mom and to get a few photos. Joyce also prepared a folder with the background of the Prayers and Squares ministry so Kristen could read it after the shower was over. Guests kept arriving while we were there. The mood is hard to describe. Everyone was there to support Kristen and her new baby, but I felt an undercurrent of sadness. It was that awkward feeling when people aren’t sure what to say. Everyone was there to celebrate a new life, but at the same time a sadness hung in the air. You could feel the sadness of knowing this little baby boy will not grow up with his Daddy near by.
Most days I can get by without thinking of the danger my own son will face when he is deployed this fall. Today was not one of those days.
My prayers continue to be with all the deployed members of our military and their loved ones at home.
Most days I can get by without thinking about my oldest son being deployed to Afghanistan. Today was not one of those days.
Joyce Pettit explains what the knots signify on the patriotic quilt she designed.
This afternoon I had the honor of driving to Griffin, Georgia, with a friend to deliver a prayer quilt to a young Army widow who is about to be a first time mom. Kristen Davis lost her husband, Johnathon, when he was killed in an insurgent attack in Kandahar province.
Joyce Pettit designed and created the beautiful patriotic prayer quilt for the young widow. Joyce is a member of the “Prayers and Squares” ministry at our church. Members of our church prayed for Kristen and her baby while they tied a knot in a ribbon on the quilt. Joyce asked me to come with her today since I am the chair of the Military Ministry at Roswell Presbyterian Church.
A Facebook page called Operation Daddy’s Boy was created so anyone in the community who wanted to support Kristen and their new-born baby could show their support. The shower today was posted to the Facebook page as an open shower that anyone could drop by. The gift table was full of presents and the refreshments were arranged nicely on the table. It was a beautiful tribute and show of support by the community.
Joyce and Kristen show off the beautiful quilt Joyce designed.
We were there just long enough for Joyce to present the quilt to the expectant mom and to get a few photos. Joyce also prepared a folder with the background of the Prayers and Squares ministry so Kristen could read it after the shower was over. Guests kept arriving while we were there. The mood is hard to describe. Everyone was there to support Kristen and her new baby, but I felt an undercurrent of sadness. It was that awkward feeling when people aren’t sure what to say. Everyone was there to celebrate a new life, but at the same time a sadness hung in the air. You could feel the sadness of knowing this little baby boy will not grow up with his Daddy near by.
Most days I can get by without thinking of the danger my own son will face when he is deployed this fall. Today was not one of those days.
My prayers continue to be with all the deployed members of our military and their loved ones at home.
Army ROTC cadets at The Citadel take their oath at the commissioning ceremony the day before graduation, May 2011. photo by Stanley Leary
I am still learning about being the mom of a new second lieutenant in the U.S. Army. Since my son is so busy in his new role, and because he has never been one to provide a lot of details, much of what I learn comes from web searches. The past few years I have also cultivated friends who are veterans of various branches of the U.S. Army.
One friend who is a fellow Citadel parent and a retired Army officer suggested I subscribe to a news source called Stand-To!: A daily compendium of news, information, and context for Army leaders. This site is helpful for getting a glimpse into the latest updates from the U.S. Army.
For general information and support several web sites are helpful. Goarmyparents. com was started as a personal blog of an Army mom. The site features forums, articles, pay charts, military lingo and a weekly chat.
The closed Facebook group, Army Moms, is a terrific place to connect with other Army moms to receive support and learn from the members there. You need to send a request to join the group.
Army Officers Friends and Family Support is a group that formed after LDAC 2010 (Leader Development Assessment Course). Each year the Public Affairs Office at Joint Base Lewis McCord do a great job of keeping friends and family updated about what happens at LDAC, including the address to send letters, scheduling of the exercises, etc. The LDAC 2012 Facebook page is here. Check the About page for links to their blog, photos and Twitter account.
I found the Airborne School Facebook page very helpful while our son was there. They post updates on the jumps and graduation information. Maps area available on their photo page.
Dorie and her daughter congratulate Citadel cadet, soon to be Air Force officer, Justin Wilson, right before his commissioning ceremony. May 2011 photo by Stanley Leary
Milblogging.com is an internet database for organizing military blogs. a great place to spend time to learn from the contributors about their experiences.
An extensive list of Facebook groups for the U.S. military can be found on their official pages:
When my oldest son decided he wanted to attend The Citadel, little did I know I’d find my calling too.
During Corps Day weekend, March 16 – 18, I had the opportunity to meet parents that I’ve only corresponded with on Facebook or through this blog. A few wondered how I came to write the blog. The simple answer is, I learned a lot the past 4 years and if I can help someone else through the process I’m happy to do so.
I don’t pretend for a minute to have all the answers. Any number of parents of a current cadets and graduates can answer most of the questions that I’m asked.
Sometimes in life you find yourself in a unique position to help others. I believe God is using my background in public relations, chaplaincy and interfaith dialogue, to be a caring presence for the parents of cadets.
Corps Day Weekend 2012 for me was about visiting friends and paying forward the kindness that was extended to my son during his four years at The Citadel. So many families hosted him for meals and visits. They helped in ways I’m sure I am not even aware of. Since my friends couldn’t join me for the weekend for a reunion I decided I go anyway and try to pass along a few kindnesses.
After a full morning of visiting the barracks, the band concert, watching the 2013 Summerall Guards then the parade, I was ready to go to lunch. I had made plans to meet a Georgia cadet at 5th Battalion. After four years of waiting outside 1st Battalion for our cadet this was a whole new experience. 5th Battalion, or Stevens Barracks, is home to Palmetto Battery, Papa Company and Sierra Company. Several Georgia cadets are in each company so I could visit with their parents and meet new friends. At one point the knobs of Palmetto Battery were marched into the barracks. Several minutes later they ran out in the PT (physical training uniform) to return later pulling the canons used for the parades. It is a ritual that happens every day after a parade, but one I had never seen before. I recognized a few of the knobs as the ones I met earlier at the band concert dressed in the various uniforms from previous conflicts. I hope their parents will see the photos I took of their cadets in those uniforms.
My young cadet friend, Cadet Lee, emerged from the barracks in his dress white uniform. It is a favorite uniform among parents. The cadets tell me they prefer it over the wool ones as well. After touching base with my friend, Jerri, we headed to The Marina Variety Store for lunch. I’ve mentioned this restaurant before. It sits right on the Ashley River off of Lockwood Blvd. I like it there because you can park for free, the food is great the staff is nice and the view is great. Our time over lunch flew by as we heard stories from Cadet Lee and Jerri’s son, Cadet Rodgers, two very sharp young men.
One of the highlights of my weekend came after dropping off Cadet Lee. On the way off of campus I saw two knobs looking like they might need a ride. I introduced myself as the mom of a graduate and asked if I could help. They were very polite but said they had to go a distance to their home and a cab was on the way. The real fun began when i asked what company they are in. They replied. “Bravo Ma’am.” I then told them my son, Nelson Lalli was in Bravo Company. They looked at each other than looked at me in disbelief. They said they knew of “Mr. Lalli” and that he is a legend in Bravo Company. With that I told them to cancel the cab, I would take them to their home. The 20 minute ride was filled with knob stories and them telling me what they had heard about my son. They also spoke about the current cadet command of Bravo Company most of whom I have known since their knob year. I smiled as they referred to each one as Mr. The two knobs seemed to be making the best of their first year. We laughed as we exchanged stories. I made a note to myself to try and keep up with these two young cadets as they progress in their time at The Citadel.
I spent a little time walking along the beach on Isle of Palms that afternoon. My next stop was the Boating Center on the campus. It is one of my favorite spots on campus to visit. The contrast of the tranquility of the dock and marsh compared to the intense environment of the rest of the campus is striking.
My next fun pay it forward moment came as I was leaving campus. I saw a group of cadets outside 2nd Battalion. It looked like they were arranging for a ride off campus. When I stopped and go tout of the car I realized I knew one of them. I ended up driving 5 cadets to downtown Charleston in my little Toyota Corolla. The ride was fun as I met the 4 cadets who were with my friend Wei-Ming. All five of them are from Taiwan and will go back into service with a branch of the Taiwanese military after graduation.
My last morning was spent sharing brunch with another Georgia cadet. The same cadet I brought a care package to Saturday morning. We had corresponded via Facebook last summer as he prepared to report, but had not really spent any time talking. It was fun to hear of his plans for the future and to learn about how his first year was progressing. Spring break is coming up and shortly after that will be Recognition Day. I could hear the excitement in his voice as he talked about Recognition Day.
The weekend ended with my traditional last stop at Mark Clark Hall and a spin through the Gift shop. I was stopped by two families in town to look at the school for their high school student. They had a few questions for a parent. As I spoke to each family I was reminded of our first visit to campus the summer of 2006.
Each cadet has their own path at The Citadel. Each family will develop their own rituals when they visit. I am grateful for the many families who hosted our son during his time there. I hope on future visits I’ll be able to continue to pay the kindness our son received during his time at the school forward to current cadets.
