It’s been over a month since my last entry. After the very emotional experience as a juror for a murder trial, the sad news of a cancer diagnosis for one of the Top Nine Cadets at The Citadel was released. After corresponding with his family a YouCaring fundraising site was launch for Jesse Ray Nardone. The original goal of $10,000 was reached within days. you can read about the needs the family has to cover and updates on Jesse Ray’s health on the YouCaring site.
A week or so after the fundraising site was posted, I had a scheduled cardiac catheter ablation. It is taking me a little longer than I had anticipated to bounce back after the procedure. Fortunately I feel pretty well, but I just don’t have the stamina to do too much yet.
Parents Weekend at The Citadel
For my readers who are Citadel parents this is an exciting week. By now I hope you have seen the very helpful information posted to the parent page on the citadel.edu web site. In years past I’ve written a run down of the vents each day of Parents Weekend. Thanks to Capt. Taylor Skardon in the office of the provost that was not necessary this year. There is an overall post and individual pages for each day, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. The Citadel Family Association (CFA) has also revamped their website with helpful information. Be sure to read the pages and click on all the links.
The weather is looking iffy thanks to hurricane Matthew. Be sure to watch the weather channels to know how to pack. Also check the school web site for any announcements should the storm end up tracking toward the SC coast. It is still early to know what will happen weather wise. The school administrators keep a close eye on weather conditions and will post updates as they can so watch The Citadel website, the school’s Facebook page and the Bulldog Alert page. To read the school’s protocol for hurricanes see this link.
I won’t be making the trip to Charleston for Parents Weekend this year. Our daughter is a high school senior and it is her last Homecoming celebration. I look forward to seeing everyone’s photos and hearing your stories. Best wishes to the Class of 2017 on receiving your rings on Friday.
For the families of 2020 cadet recruits enjoy every minute of your time together it goes by in a blink of an eye.
Previous posts about Parents Weekend (see these links for photos):
Parents, you won’t want to hear this, but you’ll never get it all right. No knob ever does anything right. As parents you can only do your best to get what is on the lists and then as the song goes, “Let it Go!”
I have not been a knob. I have however watched each year as parents sweat over the Success Packet list and the Nice to Have List. I get it. I really do. You want to do what you can to make sure your son or daughter has what they need to succeed. The secret is, if you’ve done your job as a parent, regardless of whether they have the right plastic bins and other items, your son or daughter has the strength and confidence to handle what will come their way.
The Citadel is a leadership school. The students attend this school because they expect to be challenged. They know, or should know, they are expected to own their successes and learn from their failures. You’ve given them a firm foundation to launch into their adult years. It is your time to step back and let them take control of their life.
If you wonder if they should bring something, ask your student if they want it. If they don’t leave it at home. While the school does issue lists and some things are permitted like coffee maker, computer printer, some basic snacks, some knobs do not want to have them. It should be their decision, not your as to whether they bring them or not. Families with friends that are current cadets, you’ll get advice from those friends but remember they will speak from their experience. While uniformity is more of the norm the cadets do develop their own preferences of what to bring and how to do their tasks. For instance if you ask five people whether they should bring a printer you’ll get five different answers.
The 4th Class system will teach the knobs to pull together as a team. They will make their own decisions. They will face the consequences of their actions or inaction. You cannot do this for them and you should not try.
You can be their sounding board. Listen to them vent, but don’t get caught up in the ups and downs of knob life. Remind them of their strengths. Remind them that they are prepared to meet the challenge. You can remind them to think through the processes to solve their own problems. It is a tough year, but they, and you, will have plenty of support.
***2/10/2019 Please note: I am no longer updating the blog posts for Citadel parents. See the official school website for the most up to date information***
A few parents in the Facebook group for 2020 parents have joined this week. We are now at 497 members of the group. All members are 2020 parents along with five parents of grads who help answer questions.
Most Matriculation Day and Weekend information can be found on the school website and this blog, but to make it easier to find I’ll include a few links here:
The Matriculation Headquarters page has the essential information. Read every link and all hyper links on the pages.
Saturday, August 13 at 5:30 there is a dinner planned for 2020 families. The Charleston Citadel Club is hosting the event and allowing us to use their registration system. Advance reservations are required, Register HERE. Just enter Parent of Student from the drop down menu when it asks for Company name. Members of The Citadel Foundation and The Citadel Alumni Association are also helping with the event.
When my son decided to attend a military college, I never imagined that years after he graduated I would be answering questions about socks, underwear, and shoes.
Many alumni don’t understand the changes that have taken place over the years. Communications have changed over the years for everyone. For instance at The Citadel the paperwork cadets used to fill out is all done online now.
The families helping their soon-to-be knob prepare for the new year use online searches to find the required items to matriculate. They also resource with other parents. Instead of running out to K-Mart, Target, and Wal-Mart for items, more and more people are purchasing the required items online. Families are connected online via Facebook. Not to hover, but to share tips on saving money. Shoes are at least $100 a pair the boots are more expensive. With out of state tuition over $40,000 a year any way to save some money on required items is welcomed. Don’t even get me started on the elusive plastic bins. The school posts the sizes of two clear plastic bins they are allowed to have. Unfortunately the sizes are listed as “no larger than” and you can’t easily find boxes that are close to the dimensions.
This year a small change that is causing a BIG stir is the change from crew socks to ankle socks for all cadets for unit PT. For years, I don’t know exactly how long, knobs were required to wear white crew length socks. This year in the official Success Packet it is specified:
“Twelve [12] pairs of plain white cotton athletic ankle socks (Socks must be void of visible logos or color, and must cover the protruding ankle bone. Low cut quarter socks are permitted.)”
Since knobs have worn crew length socks for years I contacted the commandant’s office for clarification. I was told that this year ALL cadets will be required to wear ankle length white socks for unit physical training.
The other change that was made a year or so ago was the labeling of clothes. For years that task was completed the first week. Now the school suggests knobs label their clothes before they arrive as a time saving measure. Since time is a precious commodity to knobs anything they can do before they report to save some time once they are on campus, should be done. The labeling instructions are on the Success Packet list:
Labeling clothes: As a time saving measure, though not mandatory, it would be helpful to write your last name and first two initials in your clothing using a permanent marker. The location of the name should be inconspicuous when the garment is worn (e.g., bottom of each sock, rear waistband of underwear, and the front shirt tail of t-shirts).
Household linens such as towels, sheets, and pillow cases should not be labeled. The Cadet Laundry will affix a permanent label to these items.
Bottomline in less than two weeks the Class of 2020 will report for Matriculation Day. Talk of socks, shoes and plastic bins will give way to questions about General Leave, Parents Weekend, and why is the food so bad and the laundry service so slow.
Last week the Summerville Citadel Club hosted a send off dinner for the class of 2020. One of the members who is a graduate and the father of a 2019 cadet invited me to be on a panel for the dinner. While I’ve spoken at the Atlanta area send off dinners, this is the first time an alumni group outside of Atlanta has invited me to address parents at their club. It was a high compliment.
It was a fun visit. Thursday afternoon I stopped by campus to say hello to a few friends and met a few people I only knew by name before. It was a fun couple of hours.
Thursday evening I was on a panel with Col. Robert Pickering, Director of the Office of Multicultural Student Services and International Studies and Ombudsperson, and Lt. Col. Bob Sberna, assistant commandant for discipline. We each took a few minutes to give our background and then share a bit of advice, followed by questions
The moderator asked me to address social media during my time with the microphone. It is an aspect of knob year, and cadet life that didn’t need to be addressed just a few years ago. With Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, Tinder, and others the cadets now have multiple ways to make bad decisions.
Before a student begins knob year it is best to tighten up the security on all social media. This is good advice for everyone. For entering knobs who want to keep a low profile and be a “Ghost knob” it is essential. Cadets and alumni will find posts with hashtags related to The Citadel and share the posts. Photos, status updates and more that are public will be shared widely.
You can’t always help what someone may find when searching the internet for your name, but it is a good idea to do your own search and see what someone may find out about you. Students who played in varsity sports or who made the news for academic achievements can’t remove the news articles, but at least you’ll know what someone else will learn about you if they do a quick Google search.
After I spoke about social media the rest of my short presentation was addressed to the parents. It is an anxious time for many families. As I mentioned in this blog a number of times Citadel parents have to learn to let go and move to a supportive role. Your son or daughter will have to learn the system and sort through the huge amount of tasks in front of them. Knobs will not get encouragement in the traditional sense. That is where parents and friends off campus come in. You cannot go through the system for them, but you can be a safe place for the knobs to vent.
The biggest problem the first few months is sleep. The knobs try to get everything done sacrificing sleep. If a knob isn’t getting sleep their priorities are not in order. Yes, they will get yelled at if their brass is polished or their shoes aren’t shined, but they will not be asked to leave for unpolished shoes. The Citadel is first and foremost a college. If a knob does not prioritize academics they will not be a cadet for long. If you are the parent of a knob and they complain about lack of sleep remind them that they are at a college. No one was denied a diploma because their shoes weren’t shiny enough. (BTW – they will never be shiny enough the first year) Time management is a huge leadership lesson cadets learn during their time at The Citadel. Staying up all night to shine shoes and brass is not a sustainable plan.
Three years ago this week my oldest son returned from his first deployment to Afghanistan. It was a difficult deployment. The battalion lost three men and quite a few others were seriously injured. I am usually a very patient person on the Facebook groups for new parents, because I know how scary it can be to sen da child to a military school. The 9 months my son was deployed I will admit to being a bit less patient with anxious knob moms. Cadets at The Citadel do have it tough, but no one is shooting at them and they will not run over an IED as they walk to class. It is important to keep your worries in perspective this first year and the three years following. It is a tough school, but not a war zone.
The advantage of having a student at The Citadel is knowing where they are every night at midnight. Knobs must spend the night in the barracks every day first semester knob year. They can go off campus on the weekends when they are granted general leave, but they much be back by midnight. Parents of non-military college students have no idea what their students are doing day-to-day, and much less at night.
The system at The Citadel helps the cadets take ownership of their successes and their mistakes. As journalists nad veteran Dave Cullen pointed out recently time is the most precious commodity to military cadets. The ability to decide what to do with your limited free time is a luxury. So when designing the discipline system taking away the freedom of choice is a very effective form of punishment. Cadets who are caught in violation of rules are given tours or confinements. For tours the cadet walk on the quad back and forth for 50 minutes while carrying their rifle. Confinements mean the sit and do school work either in their room or other designated location for a set amount of time often missing out on the fun off campus activities their friends are taking part in. I’ve heard from many cadets and alumni it is a very effective way to deter poor decision-making.
During the Q&A session Lt. Col. Sberna reminded the students present to begin studying their knob knowledge in the Guidon online. Entering the school year having already memorized the alma mater and other bits of knob knowledge will help. That is of course in addition to breaking in your shoes and being able to meet or exceed the physical fitness standards.
The fall athletes report in a week and the rest of the Class of 2020 will report a few weeks later. Best wishes to everyone as they begin their journey on “the road less traveled.”
The blog entry I posted yesterday, The Odd Things Citadel Parents Learn is now the most viewed entry this year and the top post since starting this blog in 2011 after my son graduated. Apparently it struck a chord with parents and alumni, but for different reasons.
The current parents tell me they can relate to everything I’ve written. The few alumni I’ve heard from directly say they can relate as well. They understand, because they know me, that I was poking fun at the strange things parents of cadets learn.
I can understand why the alumni wonder why parents know about shoes, T-pins, sheets etc. Unless they have a cadet who has attended since the barracks have air conditioning and all cadets are required to have a computer and encouraged to have a cell phone, they just won’t understand what it is like for current families.
Prior to the early 2000’s electronic communications had not been a big part of our lives. Now to stay competitive in the job market a cadet must know how to use a computer and other devices. Prior to 2000 college life was different for everyone. Few people had laptops and we weren’t used to being electronically connected to the world.
Skype, Facetime and other means of communication weren’t around either. While an argument can be made that the knobs should have limited access to communication, the fact remains that post Virginia Tech tragedy campuses around the country had to institute communication plans with the students. The Citadel now encourages knobs to have cell phones. They can’t use them whenever they want but they do have them.
For readers new to my blog I encourage you to read through the blog posts linked below. You’ll find I repeat over and again that parents must learn to let go and allow their sons and daughters to take ownership of their successes and failures. Once Matriculation Day arrives and parents ask what they can do about this or that on campus, my usual response begins, “you don’t need to do anything, that is up to your son/daughter . . . ”
My son, a 2011 graduate, never told me anything at all about his experience. I have over the years heard stories from others. I did buy most of the items on the Success Packet List and the Nice to Have List. It was my high school graduation gift to him. I don’t know many cadets who have the money to spend, about $1,000 on shoes ($100+ a pair), boots (close to $150 a pair) athletic shoes (close to $100 a pair), and the other required items. I learned a lot about what they needed and how to save money, i.e. cheap sheets, good socks for instance. I pass that information on to others just as local parents shared with me their recommendations.
Stories of washing machines and dryers at home getting clogged by T-pins that were left in sheets at the end of the school year have led them to be referred to as “minions of satan” by a number of parents. (hat tip to my friend Mandy) Many would prefer their cadets use the straps to hold the sheets in place.
My son never told me about the sink or much else for that matter. He did, however, tell my younger son, who told me. When visiting for parents weekend my son’s knob year in 2007, my younger son said, “You didn’t touch the sink did you?!” When I said no and asked why would he ask, my younger son told what the knobs use it for. (he’s never been good at keeping a secret)
I am the chair of the Atlanta Citadel Club’s new Parent Committee. As such, I felt I needed to alert the club about what is being said by alumni about my recent blog post. I received this encouraging note in return:
At these times, I always lean towards my favorite quote about “critics” from Teddy Roosevelt:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man (or woman!) who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
I’ve heard through the alumni grapevine that many of them don’t understand why parents know about any of the things I write about. If you are an alumnus who feels I am a “Helicopter Parent” I invite you to email me to discuss your concerns. I much prefer a civil dialogue than hearing second-hand about comments made about me and my experience with my family by people I’ve never met. I encourage you to read the blog post below to get a background on why I started this blog and the parent Facebook groups **see below
I was never a cadet and do not claim to know the ins and outs of being a cadet. I have however learned quite a bit about being a supportive parent of a cadet. Since my son’s sophomore year at The Citadel I have volunteered my time to help new parents learn the odd terms and culture at The Citadel. At first I was a volunteer with the Citadel Family Association and since his graduation I have maintained this blog site and administered Facebook groups for new parents. Since the rules do change slightly from year to year I’ve developed a good relationship with various officials on campus to make sure what appears on this blog or on the Facebook groups I moderate is accurate and up to date.
Last month the Georgia Citadel Parents Group hosted a parent orientation meeting. In the Atlanta area these events have been happening in the early summer for over ten years. As the questions about preparing for knob year came pouring in from the parents of the class of 2020 I realized that I’ve become an expert on some very odd areas.
You might be a parent of a Citadel Cadet if. . . .
You know Bates is not just the name of the Downton Abbey Valet.
You become an expert in plain toe black Oxford shoes, or low quarters, and where to find them.
You are disappointed to learn the new Bostonian Kinnon style shoe does not meet regulations (stitching on the heel), but encouraged to know the Florsheim Lexington style does.
You know what deep lug soles are on combat boots.
You know which store in your area carries the plastic bins needed in the required sizes.
The staff at your local post office know your name, your cadets name, and what their favorite snacks are.
You know where to find the cheapest white flat sheets.
You know a change in the white PT sock requirement from crew length to ankle length socks sets off a major shock wave. (Yes, all cadets must wear ankle length white socks for unit PT this academic year.)
Today some members of the Class of 2020 at The Citadel begin their journey at The Citadel Success Institute. It is an a time of mixed emotions for many parents. Although my son did not attend CSI before knob year, I can share a few insights I’ve learned from talking with families who did have a cadet attend.
The Citadel experience is different from other colleges in many ways. The biggest difference is that the cadets learn to take control and ownership of their success and failures. For parents this means learning to let go of control and movement to an advisory role.
Specifically for parents of CSI students that means when your son or daughter learns something about they way their cadet mentors do something, that will take priority over anything you hear from other parents or cadets. While many things at The Citadel are uniform by design there are small ways the cadets will learn to put their own unique mark on their time at the school. It can be how they do their cleaning and polishing to how they organize their time and what activities they decide to take part in.
Some parents handle the transition better than others. Gone are the days of checking homework and looking at their grades each week. You will not be able to see grades until mid-terms then again at the end of the semester, if your student has shared their password with you. (That is an individual family discussion. My opinion, if you are paying the bills your student should give you access.) You’ll have to rely on your student to let you know how you are doing in their academics, and everything else for that matter once they are at The Citadel. Most likely you will not know or meet their professors for a while if at all.
Parents of CSI parents as your student tells you what they have learned, and what they prefer to do to prepare for knob year, follow their lead.
One week from now some members of The Citadel Class of 2020 will be on campus for Citadel Success Institute (CSI). That means across the country and beyond families are busy getting the necessary items and preparing to say good-bye. The parents of athletes who report July 26 and the parents of the cadets reporting August 13 have a bit more time, but they too are spending their time pouring over the Success Packet list and the Citadel Family Association’s “Nice to Have List.”
Military schools have a tradition of making sure everyone looks the same. Uniformity and not standing out is stressed. Because of this emphasis the families readying their student to report get a bit anxious. Everyone wants to make sure their student has what they need.
What I’ve come to realize though is while you do have lists of things you need to have and lists of things that are nice to have, the cadets still manage to carve out their own way of doing something. For instance, they all need flat white sheets to go on their twin sized bunks, but some cadets will decide they like to have a little extra fabric to tuck under and will want extra long sheets, others do not want the extra fabric. Some cadets use T-pins to secure their sheets to the bunks, others like the elastic straps made for this purpose.
Since the Class of 2020 has not started the year yet, the parents and their students are left with the official list and the Nice to Have list and must make decisions about what to bring. The knobs will develop their own preferences as the year goes on. Parents will slowly learn that no matter what they send, their son or daughter will still find something else they want or decide they do not need what was packed. This is all part of the 4th Class system, maybe not in a formal way, but finding their own way on a very regimented path is a by product of the 4th Class System. (see the PowerPoint on 4C Learning Outcomes)
There are rules for everything, but the cadets still find a way to be their own individual. Some will make their mark in Physical Training (PT). Others will stand out in the classroom, or athletics, or clubs. Some knobs will strive to be a “ghost.” They will do what is expected, but not do anything to bring attention to themselves. Others decide they want to stand out in their field of endeavor. For instance, if they are good at physical training they will do things that may mean extra push ups as a result. The person who is good at PT doesn’t mind extra exercise.
For the non-military person, like I am, this all seems pretty strange. That is alright, we non-grad/non-military parents aren’t the cadets and don’t have to understand it. As parents we are just supposed to be supportive. As I mentioned in a previous post being supportive in this context is helping them with the things they need to report, then encouraging them throughout the year.
I tell new parents each year not to stress about the lists of items, just do their best to get what is listed. Each year the parents worry and obsess over plastic bins, underwear sheets and shoe polish, then soon learn what size bin was sent, or type of sheet really doesn’t matter. In a way I believe parents need the lists to obsess over to distract themselves from the fact their child is going off not only to college but to a military college. The parents can’t control what happens once they arrive at the gates, but they can try to make sure their child has what they need.
If you are the parent of a student entering this year, get the items they need, then take time now to be with your child.
It is a tough year. No matter what they do or don’t do, they will get yelled at a lot. Nothing will ever be right. They won’t get positive reinforcement on campus, that is what you can provide.
They will make friends that will become their family. The cadets have a saying, they spend four years trying to get out of The Citadel and then the rest of their lives trying to get back.
If your son or daughter has chosen this path they have the strength to get through the year. Remember that and remind them of that fact often in the months to come.
In a few weeks I’ll be in Charleston for a couple of nights to attend a Cadet Send off dinner and appear on a panel hosted by the Summerville Citadel Club. (see the fun panelist description for me below)
Each time I visit town I try to find a decent property with good clean rooms and a reasonable price. I spend VERY little time in whatever room I’m in since these are really working trips.
Once in a while I am fortunate to be invited to stay with friends, but most of the time I’m on my own. Several of my friends sing the praises of AirBnB so I decided to check in to the offerings in Charleston. I think during one of my next trips to town I’ll be checking one of these properties out.
When visiting Charleston to see your cadet, always call the hotel directly and ask if they offer special rates to Citadel families. I’ll be updating this entry about hotels soon, but check out some of the links listed.
The Summerville Citadel Club sent me a copy of the invitation to the event. The alumnus who sent it to me asked if I liked my title/description. What do you think?!
Speaker Panel:
CPT Geno F Paluso II, USN, Commandant of Cadets.
LTC Robert Pickering, SCM, Director of Multicultural Student Services and International Studies, Director of Citadel Success Institute, Ombudsperson.
Mrs. Dorie Griggs, Citadel Mom, Facebook Organizer, Blogger, Knower of Many Things Citadel Parent’s Should Know.
If you want to know if there is an event in your area check the Citadel Alumni website and check with the club in your area. I hope to have a list of scheduled events soon and will post it here when I have it. I do know the Atlanta Citadel Club is hosting a dinner August 4. They have a Facebook event posted and RSVP information should be available soon.