The Class of 2014 reports in on Matriculation Day.
The year is flying by, at least for me. It’s hard to believe the cadets who were knobs my son’s senior year will receive their rings October 4. I envy the senior families. Ring Weekend was a highlight of our four years of visits to The Citadel.
Of course it is also a big weekend for knobs and their families. The promotion ceremony Saturday morning is a huge step in the life of a knob. They will move from being cadet recruits to full members of the Corps of Cadets, but still lowly knobs. I’ve written several entries about the weekend and will include links below.
I don’t find myself speechless very often, but an email I received today left me with no words.
The email follows.
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Hi,
I’m Joanne, and I handle community outreach at SkinnyScoop.com in San Francisco. I’m writing to let you know that your blog has been nominated to our ‘Top 25 Military Mom Blogs’ contest! It’s been great learning more about your blog and I wanted to be sure that you knew you were in the running.
If you’d like to share your nomination with your readers, you can find the contest here –http://www.skinnyscoop.com/list/SkinnyScoop_Staff/top-25-military-mom-blogs-of-2013. There are more than 40 blogs nominated so you may need to scroll down to find your nomination(s).
To vote, your readers just have to go to the contest page, find your nomination, and click “Like”. The Top 25 blogs will be decided by the highest number of votes (“likes”), and announced during the last week of September.
Caitlyn Lees, 2012 grad, sits at he sign in table with a cadet on Matriculation Day.
Congratulations! The journey has started.
The Citadel is definitely different from other non-military colleges. There are a few tips for new parents to help your cadet recruit, or knob, and you this next year.
Two Citadel Family Association volunteers at 1st Battalion.
The Citadel is a Leadership school. That means now that your knob has reported it is up to them to navigate the system. parents should not call the school and make requests like special leave, talk to their professors like you did with high school teachers. Being a “Helicopter Parent” will not help your knob.
Knobs line up in 3rd battalion to get their pT clothes.
The school does a great job of posting updates to various social media sites, like Facebook and Twitter, and YouTube. They will also post photos you can browse through and purchase. The goal of every knob is to be invisible, or a “Ghost knob.” If you see your knob in a photo of the site, share it on your own Facebook page but Do Not post any comments to the page. Set all your privacy settings to Friends only. That includes your photos too.
If you have friends who are the parents of upperclass cadets don’t post questions specific to their walls. Send a private message instead.
Email the Citadel Family Association Company and/or the Battalion rep for you knobs company or battalion. They can be a great resource for traditions specific to your knobs company.
Do Not have your knob as your profile pic or cover photo.
You will not hear from your knob until next week. When you talk to them do remind them this is a military COLLEGE. If they don’t pass their classes they won’t stay in school, no matter how shiny their shoes and brass looks. Knobs tend to try to do everything and skip sleep. That is not a sustainable plan. School work must be a priority. Sleep is necessary. Fit the polishing in where they can. Budget 20 – 30 minutes a night. Your role as parents should be to encourage them to get these priorities straight right away. The knob has to be the one to implement the plan.
The sooner a knob learns to pull together with their classmates the better.
Charlie Company knobs report.
Do not listen to rumors. Go to a primary source for clarification. If it didn’t happen to your cadet or to you don’t repeat a story you’ve heard. I covered some of this advice in a previous post about the Rumor Mill after rumors began to fly last fall.
Learn the school website. I’ve added the most frequently accessed pages to an entry called Helpful Web Links. Bookmark the entry for future use.
Do send encouraging letters and small boxes of goodies.
The Cadet Activities website is a great resource and they will post photos too.
Join the Facebook groups for parents, but do not post to the ones with cadets in them. The group for 2017 parents only has new parents and a few parents of graduates who volunteer their time to answer questions. To join the group email me and let me know your knobs name and company. My email address is in the About section of the group page. See the entry on Facebook groups or direct links to other groups.
The Commandant of Cadets, Col. Mercado oversees the morning activities.
To tide you over as you wait to see more photos from the school See these albums of photos I took this weekend.
The fluffy new ribbon was posted in November of 2012
Monday night we hosted a Welcome Home party for Nelson. He arrived to the States from Afghanistan July 17, but he just arrived to our hometown this past Friday. Monday night is an odd day to host a gathering, but it was the only day he had free.
It was a fun evening. We picked up barbecue from our favorite restaurant, and had an assortment of other goodies out.
The guests came from all different parts of our life. Former and current neighbors, a favorite elementary school teacher of our son’s, church friends, family friends, work friends, most of whom had never even met Nelson. All came to welcome him home. We were happy to thank them for their support over the past nine months.
Nelson cut down the tired ribbon Monday night. Photo by Stanley Leary
The highlight of the evening for me came when we went out side so my son could cut the yellow ribbon down from the oak tree out front. When I first put the ribbon up the bow was big fluffy and cheerful. By last night it was dirty, droopy, and sad-looking. I wrote about the ribbon while he was still deployed. The ribbon became a symbol for how I felt inside after 9 months of worry and concern.
Nelson took out a pocket knife and cut the ribbon down at the end of the party Monday night. You can see the relief on my face in the photo my husband took once it was down.
A simple act that took seconds, but reminded us how fortunate we are to have him home.
The ribbon is down. He is home safe. photo by Stanley Leary
We are approaching the annual rite of passage at The Citadel known as Matriculation Day, the day the first year cadets, or knobs as they are called, report for their Challenge Week, formerly called Hell Week.
To help families prepare for this day the alumni groups in several area host send off events. In Georgia there is a parent orientation meeting. I started a group for new parents only on Facebook called The Citadel: Parents of the Class of 2017 to help parents prepare their knob to report while also helping them learn to let go of the day-to-day aspects of their child’s experiences.
The hardest part of the experience for parents is letting go. The knobs have a tough time, but they are busy learning the system and going to classes. It is tough and they manage it well. The parents, on the other hand, tend to have a very tough time the first few months. They worry about their child, mainly because the system is so foreign to them and therefore, it is scary.
The Facebook group for new parents is there to assure parents that they, and their child, will get through this. Each year over 700 knobs report to the school. 2,000+ members of the Corps of Cadets are on campus each year. The parents of graduates in the Facebook group act as coaches for the new parents. We try to give them the tools they will need to support their cadet’s process instead of intervening.
The cadre march the Class of 2016 to their first lunch in the mess hall.
Parents, you are sending your child to a military COLLEGE, not to war. I know the difference now since my son just returned from Afghanistan. My early worries seem silly now. Allowing your knob to take control of their experience and work out their problems is the best gift you can give them.
I do understand the anxiety though. I was in your shoes in 2007. At that time there were no Facebook groups. The Atlanta Citadel Club does have a send off event and the parent orientation was very helpful. I resourced with a local mom of a cadet and also the Citadel Family Association chair couple at the time. In 2007 knobs were not allowed to have cell phones first semester, so we didn’t get a call at the end of the first week. If we were lucky we received a quick email.
In 2011 I was asked to contribute to a blog called Off the Base , my son’s senior year. The blog is the project of Bobbie O’Brien of WUSF in Tampa, Florida. She thought my voice as the mom of an Army ROTC cadet soon to be officer would be helpful to her readers. I hesitated to write about The Citadel because I really couldn’t speak to the cadet experience. My son was the one who attended, not me. In the end I agreed. The entries trace my experience from a mom who couldn’t understand why in the world my son would want this type of experience, to a mom who knows it is not the experience I could have gone through, but The Citadel was exactly where my son needed to be.
The Cadre lead the Class of 2016 from the mess hall to their first meeting. The first week this process is repeated over and again.
The best gift a parent can give their knob is helping them prepare for Matriculation Day, then let go. Let your knob be the one to reach out to you. They have no control over their time so if you call and they don’t answer the phone, know that is completely normal. Send them encouraging cards and messages. When they do call, be supportive. Remind them of the strength they have within them to tackle their challenges. If they have a problem with a classmate don’t try to fix it for them, but remind them there is a chain of command and a protocol to go through to address concerns.
You can use the time to learn more about the school and the 4th Class system when your knob cannot call or email you. The Citadel external affairs office does a great job of posting photos and updates to the web site and also to their Facebook page for new parents to try to get a glimpse of their knob. Read through the Office of the Commandant page and all the links to learn about the school and the process your cadet is going through. This knowledge is not to intervene, but to see how they are trained.
As a parent it is tough to resist the urge to fix things for our children. Come April and Recognition Day, the knobs, and their parents, will see they have made it through to be full members of the Corps of Cadets and you will each feel a sense of accomplishment and pride of what you have come through.
The Class of 2016 lines up to enter the chapel the Sunday morning of Matriculation Day weekend, 2012.
Dorie and Chelle hold the Welcome Home banner before entering the gym. photo by Stanley Leary
Wednesday, July 17 was a big day for our family. My oldest son returned from a nine month deployment to Afghanistan. It was a tough nine months. Due to the nature of his mission we knew very little of what he was doing or where he was most of the time. Unlike other battalions, his battalion could not post updates and photos to their Facebook page. Before the 17th the last time I heard my son’s voice or saw my son’s face was around Christmas time when we had a quick Skype call. To say we were excited for his homecoming is a major understatement.
Our daughter was attending her church youth group camp this past week. We had to stop by the camp to pick her up on our way to Fort Stewart. On our way tot he car from her cabin I saw something shining on the ground. It was a small coin like piece of metal with the likeness of a Spartan warrior on it. It made me choke up. My son was part of the Spartan platoon during this deployment. I took this as a very good sign.
We checked into our hotel in Savannah for our daughter to change out of her grubby camping clothes then it was off to Fort Stewart. The entire trip I kept checking the Fort Stewart Flight Checker web site to make sure there were no changes. Half way to the base I received a call that the location of the homecoming was changed from Cottrell Field to the gymnasium due to threatening weather. At least the time didn’t change.
Family and friends ready to welcome him home. photo by Stanley Leary
We arrived almost two hours early, but we weren’t the only ones. Plenty of other families anxious for the arrival of their loved one were filing into the gym too. Veterans from previous conflicts welcomed us into the gym and handed us a small American Flag. I had seen photos of previous homecomings in the gym and decided that a seat near the floor would be the best plan. When you are close to the floor you can get to the soldiers quickly when they are released. Our family sat in the second row, center, saving places for other family and friends to join us. It was fun to meet other families as we waited.
James and Sarah Harrell wait with Chelle.
Slowly the rest of our group arrived. My ex husband and his wife, with two of my sons good friends sat behind us. Another Citadel classmate and his wife arrived. Then my dear friend and fellow Citadel Mom, Jerri arrived with her daughter Jada.
Jerri helped me tremendously to get ready for this first deployment. Her husband is a master sergeant in the Army and they live close to Fort Stewart. They’ve been through a few deployments. I tried to learn from Jerri what to expect.
L-R Chelle, Jada, Jerri and Dorie wait for the soldiers to arrive.
Slowly the stands filled up. The Army band members began to arrive. At some point about an hour before their anticipated arrival a gentleman announced that the soldiers had landed at Hunter Air Field and were loading the buses.
I started posting short updates to Facebook. So many of my friends have prayed for us this year. I wanted them to be a part of this exciting evening. My notifications began lighting up with notes from friends who were following my posts and photo updates.
Soon the announcement was made that they were one mile away. My stomach began to do flip-flops in anticipation.
A General then announced that they were lining up outside. he reviewed how the next few minutes would unfold. It was obvious he understood that after the obligatory uncasing of the colors, a prayer, the National Anthem and the singing of a couple of Army songs, the families really didn’t care what he had to say.
The General gave us instructions. photo by Stanley Leary
Our group along with everyone else in the stands began to comb the faces of the uniformed soldiers in front of us. Our daughter was the first to spot our guy. Once he saw us he gave a slight nod of his head as if to say “sup.”
I honestly can’t tell you what the General said. My heart was racing and my emotions were jumbled between totally excited to teary because the anxious waiting was over. I alternated between wanting to laugh in relief to tears of joy. Stanley moved to the floor to capture of photo of Nelson while he was in formation. Chelle and I made our way to the floor as the General finished his comments.
Taylor, Dorie Nelson and Chelle reunited for the first time. photo by Stanley Leary
We ran to our soldier along with a room full of family and friends doing the same thing.
I found Nelson he had a huge grin on his face. That first hug was amazing. He hugged me, then me and Chelle, then my other son, Taylor, arrived and the four of us had a big group hug. Within seconds the rest of our group arrived for their hugs. Everyone was beaming. The photos began to be snapped.
You can see the joy and relief on all our faces. Photo by Sarah Kohut Harrell
The local CBS affiliate asked Nelson to make a few comments. His comments didn’t make it on air that night, but Stanley stood there with the camera man and got the interview on tape. We were all a little surprised that our health conscious soldier’s first wish was to go to McDonald’s for a Big Mac!
He gathered his bags as the rest of us waited outside the gym and took more photos. One of the final photos before we headed to his hotel room to continue visiting was of Nelson lifting his baby sister. It is a tradition that started when she was just a toddler. It was a sign that our guy was really home with his family.
My oldest and my youngest reunited. photo by Stanley Leary
I’m inventorying the supplies before packing them for shipping. photo by Stanley Leary
My son’s battalion will return home soon. I’ve looked through my photos and notes about the year. During that time I have mailed over 443 pounds of needed items to both my son, his platoon, and the battalion. That number includes a Christmas mailing providing gift bags for each member of the platoon, a large shipment of items to the battalion headquarters of underwear and socks, as well as Easter, birthday and regular care packages. Putting these mailings together was a community effort. It helped me pass the time by providing helpful items to our soldiers. Many of my friends sent their own boxes. I know my son and his soldiers appreciated their gifts.
In addition to reviewing the notes and photos of mailings, I’ve been reflecting on all that I have learned this year.
I’ll list these in no particular order:
While many people in our community are clueless about what it is like to have a love one deploy, so many others are extremely supportive.
Corresponding via cell phone to a deployed soldier in Afghanistan is amazing.
My friends and many others who read my blog are some of the most supportive and generous people ever!
The battalion commander of my son’s battalion is a very caring person.
The Family Readiness Groups are very supportive. Be sure your soldier lists you as an approved contact so you can get the updates.
There is no way to fully prepare for a child’s deployment.
The pain you feel for a fallen soldiers family is real, but can’t come close to the pain they must feel.
Helping to support deployed soldiers by sending packages and notes of support is a great way to deal with my own anxiety about deployment.
The various Facebook groups for parents/family of deployed soldiers are a good resource, but some have too much drama.
Be careful who you friend on Facebook.
Do not post any information to Facebook that could endanger our deployed soldiers. Cyber stalking does happen.
The extended Army family is amazing.
Some of our deployed troops do not get mail from home. Send extra so your soldier can share. Don’t judge the families. It is expensive to mail boxes, not everyone can afford to send things.
The single soldiers return to the US without a lot of support. Support the rear detachment office with your donations for welcome home items for the barracks.
The company, Covert Threads, offers great socks at a good price.
Take items out of their original box and put them into zip lock bags. The soldiers have to burn their trash and the bags can be used to keep dust off of other items.
Quite a few companies offer free shipping to APO addresses. Just Google “free shipping to APO” for a list of companies/organizations.
An overview of some of the mailings of the past nine months. . . .
Squares made by the Prayers and Squares ministry of Roswell Presbyterian Church.The three goody bags went into a zip lock bag with a note from the children and a card from us.The goodies were sorted and put into gift bags. Each soldier will get three bags of goodies.Christmas Stockings for soldiers from the Military Ministry of Roswell Presbyterian Church.Dorie visits with the Family Readiness Group (FRG) leader and the FRSA.A variety of silly items from the Dollar Store made for a fun birthday box.We sent some fun items for Easter too.
The roller coaster that is deployment continues. Trying to strike some sort of balance of life at home and supporting/worrying about ddeployed children can be very strange.
In the past few weeks I’ve had a real mixed bag of activities and emotions.
The first week of June my husband daughter and I went on a cruise as part of a celebration for my in-laws 55 wedding anniversary. It was a wonderful trip with lots of fun experiences. I even had the chance to visit the resort where my own parents honeymooned in 1958, Caneel Bay.
An overview of Caneel Bay, St. John, VI
A small piece of me wondered all week how my deployed son was doing. I wasn’t home so I didn’t have the ever-present startle response when the door bell rings. My younger son was at home working. He had instructions how to reach us in case of an emergency. We never heard from him though.
When we did return, however, I had an email from the Family Readiness Group advising of another loss for the 3-69, the third since January. I don’t know how many of the soldiers in the battalion are injured. In one email the reality of being the family of a deployed soldier came back.
On the heels of that email was the news of four US soldiers being killed near Bagram Airbase near Kabul. It was over 24 hours before I’d learn it wasn’t my son or his battalion. The relief and joy of hearing from my son was tempered by the knowledge that four families were now without their loved ones.
This week we heard from my son quite a bit through private messages on Facebook. Our daughter was thrilled to have a “conversation” with her big brother. She doesn’t talk about it, but her level of concern for her big brother stays very high.
She has grown so much this past school year. I’ll enjoy the surprised look on his face when my son sees his baby sister for the first time when he comes home.
This past weekend in an ongoing effort to help her through her worries, and to support her interest in Indie and alternative music, we attended a concert at a small local venue, Swayze’s. one of the four bands scheduled to appear, Farewell, My Love, had toured with her very favorite band, Late Nite Reading.
Dorie, Chelle, and her friends with the band Farewell My Love in Nov. of 2012. The band called out, “Mom, Mom, you get in here too!” photo by Stanley Leary
When I first saw the band members of Farewell, My Love, I was a little apprehensive. They wear all black clothes and their hair and make up are reminiscent of the theatrics of some bands from the ’80’s and ’90’s. Once I met them all, I learned they are terrific young guys following their dreams. After seeing them for third time at a concert in Jacksonville, I promised the band members that I’d make a homemade dinner for them their next visit to our area.
Chelle watches over the tailgate table waiting for the guys to have some dinner.
Saturday night was the time to make due on that promise. We made eggplant parmesan, garlic bread, and chocolate chip cookie bars. Once we arrived at the venue, around 5:00, I set up a card table and put out the food, including a cooler with Red Bull, Coca Cola and water bottles.
It was great fun to see our new friends from the band and meet the other bands too. I didn’t know it was possible for band members to look scarier, then I met the members of Kissing Candace. The lead singer, or as my daughter says, lead screamer, is a guy named Joe. His on stage “look” includes a white contact lens and fake blood.
Joe, of the band Kissing Candace in full make up. I love the contrast of mom and scary looking screamer guy.
It may seem odd to write about our concert experience along with my feelings around deployment. That is the odd thing about being the family of a deployed service member. Life does go on at home while they are deployed.
On the outside it may look like we are living a normal life. Our internal emotions and thoughts are never far from our deployed loved one.
Our new friends in the bands may seem like polar opposites from our soldier, their hair and make up especially are a stark contrast, but I see some similarities. Providing dinner for these young men was like taking care of my own son. While they don’t have to worry about running over an IED, or being shot at my insurgents, they are away from the comforts of home for long periods of time. To save money, they will sleep in their vans while driving from one city to the next. I am sure their families miss them too.
So we served them some home cooked food, gave them something to drink and had normal conversations. We talked about our deployed son/brother, and they told us about their families. We took a few photos together. In the midst of a pretty unusual setting we had a slice of normal life.
If only for a few hours, we enjoyed the music and the time with new friends. The roller coaster of being the family of a deployed soldier didn’t seem too bad.
Dorie visits with Chad and Charlee of Farewell, My Love.Chelle visits with the lead singer of Farewell, My Love, Ryan Howell.
Our ribbon is looking very sad at this point in the deployment cycle.
I went for a walk in the neighborhood this morning. On the way past the front of our home I noticed the yellow ribbon that we put up when my oldest son deployed was looking a bit sad and wilted. The ribbon mirrors my internal mood.
We are over half way through this deployment. While I keep a cheery exterior and move through the paces of daily life, the invisible undercurrent that pervades my inner thoughts is fairly dark and gloomy.
My walk in the neighborhood was a way to shake myself out of a funk. This morning I posted this update: “Chelle has one more day of middle school, then my baby will be a high school freshman!” A Citadel classmate of my son then replied “Chin in.”
His comment made me smile. It sounded like something my deployed son would say. I haven’t heard from my son in over a week. Having his classmate respond was like hearing from my son, but not quite. I felt the tears well up so I took a walk.
It is a beautiful day. I felt better just enjoying the sounds of a nice spring day. I passed a determined little flower poking through the asphalt and had to take a photo. It was a good reminder to press on through. I ran into a neighbor and we caught up a bit. My walk around the neighborhood continued and I was feeling much better.
This little flower seemed determined to poke it’s way through the asphalt as a testament to will power and determination.
Then I saw our wilted yellow ribbon and was reminded why I took a walk.
Chelle and Dorie visit with their soldier in the fall of 2012 during Family Day at Fort Stewart. photo by Stanley Leary
Today is my first Mother’s Day as the mom of a deployed soldier. I have to admit that Mother’s day has never been a favorite holiday of mine. My own mother died when I was pregnant with my first child. When I was struggling one Mother’s Day a friend pointed out, “Mother’s Day is a tough day for mothers who have lost their mothers.”
So this day reminds me of who is not here as much as it reminds me of my own motherhood. I love my children and am grateful for the tokens of their love each year. But as hard as I try to stay with the here and now, I am reminded of who is not here with us. This year it is my first-born child.
I haven’t heard from him in days. On Facebook I see photos of flower arrangements sent to other moms from their deployed children, and read of messages sent and Skype calls made. My expectations of hearing from my son are very low.
This past week I was asked to contribute some tips for Mother’s Day to the military blog, Off the Base, a project of Bobbie O’Brien of WUSF. Bobbie also interviewed me this week for a Mother’s Day piece that aired on WUSF this past Friday. The interview went well until I was asked about what I do for Mother’s Day. For several years now I have not seen my oldest son on Mother’s Day. I do, however, have a few phone messages I have kept from previous Mother’s Day calls from my oldest son. I never do know when I’ll hear from him. I keep the messages just so I can hear his voice once in a while. As I told Bobbie about these messages I choked up a bit.
So today is another day of mixed emotions. My husband and my two children took me to enjoy a nice Mother’s Day brunch at my favorite restaurant in town, Adele’s. This afternoon we will listen to my daughter play with her middle school orchestra at an art festival in town. The evening will be used to prepare for the week ahead.
It’s early afternoon here and night-time in Afghanistan. No word from my deployed son.
My daughter told me I had to wear this cape to her orchestra performance today. It did lighten the mood a bit.
FOOTNOTE: I wrote this entry before the concert at the arts festival in town. During the concert I was showing my Army ACU purse to two children sitting next to me. I then looked at my phone to check Facebook messages. There was a note from my deployed son! As I was talking about him, he was writing to me. It made my afternoon. He said Happy Mother’s Day then told me I wouldn’t hear from him for a while. The tears flowed once again.
I put on my dark sunglasses and enjoyed the rest of the afternoon.
